The Offical PPC Songbook
by Lantarmiel
Summary: The PPC gets an official songbook, compiled by Ella Darcy. Just a bunch of song parodies that sort of embody our mission. Ratings vary from PG to PG-13.
1. Notes

Hello, everyone! Ella Darcy, here.  
  
After noticing that the Protectors of the Plot Continuum had a General Store, a sample charge list, a list of edible and semi-edible substances we've created, and the Encyclopedia of Canonical Flora and Fauna, I noticed a slight hole. Although the PPC Agents and regulars on the PPC board have created and parodied many songs, no one has come up with a compilation.  
  
Until now.  
  
Because creating and mass-producing a CD would require actual people singing these songs, I've created this, the Official PPC Songbook. In it are parodies submitted to me through the PPC messageboard.  
  
To read the original PPC, go to www.misssandman.com. The link is on the homepage.  
  
If you should wish to add your own piece to this songbook, e-mail it to me at ella_darcy@witty.com. I do practice quality control; I may not include every song I receive. Flames will be laughed at and mocked by the PPC board.  
  
I did not create the PPC, I am but a humble agent. I bow to the Great Jay and Acacia. *bowworshipgrovel*  
  
The parodies belong to the authors as indicated with each song.  
  
The original songs belong to the artists as indicated with each song.  
  
And so, without further ado.  
  
*blackout. Cheesy movie voice-over*  
  
Click on the next chapter to read the first song! 


	2. Agony: PPC Style by Claudia Beth King

Agony' by Claudia Beth King, with much editing by Ella Darcy  
(Agony' by Stephen Sondheim)  
  
**[Ella and Claudia meet in the woods somewhere in Middle-Earth. They react with mild surprise at seeing the other one there. Both are, as usual, heavily armed.]  
  
Ella: Ah, there you are, fellow agent. The Crocus and I had wondered where you'd gone.  
  
Claudia: I have been looking all night—for HER.  
  
Ella: Who?  
  
Claudia: The modern bint with the attitude problem that's tagged along with the Fellowship so that she can swear at everyone and Prince Legolas can fall in love with her.  
  
Ella: Where did she go?  
  
Claudia: She is heading towards Rohan.  
  
Ella: I, too, am here to kill a Mary Sue. She is the daughter of Galadriel, and has been captured by Saruman, for gods know what reason.  
  
Claudia: And what dreadful pseudo-Elven characteristics does this one have?  
  
Ella: She has a head of hair as red as fire, and eyes as silver as the sea—which, last time I checked, was not such a color in the least. Her name is Florine. Or possibly Fluorine; the spelling's dreadful.  
  
Claudia: [laughing] Fluorine? Fluorine! What kind of a name is that? You jest!  
  
Ella: She is as stupid as your maiden. Relationships within the Fellowship? And no one swears at royalty and goes unpunished.  
  
Claudia: Yet one has.  
  
**[Singing] She mangles his character, shows him disdain,  
And from Sauron does not flee!  
Legolas loves her, though she waxes profane,  
Why was this job giv'n to me?  
Agony! Nearly no canon left!  
If she's fed to the Watcher,  
I'm sure that she will make him retch.  
  
Ella: In Orthanc tower, she plots by the hour,  
Maintaining her hair.  
So she can be rescued, and lewd things can ensue,  
Pop songs are her snares: Aaaaa-a-aaaa-a-aaaaa-a-aaaaaah  
Agony! Far more pervy than yours!  
When the fanwriters alter  
The Elves' sexual mores!  
  
Both: Agony! Oh, the braincells we lose!  
  
Ella: What's as intriguing—  
  
Claudia: Or half so fatiguing—  
  
Both: As dealing with Sues?  
  
Claudia: If he is sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate,  
Passionate, charming, as kind as he's handsome,  
And heir to a throne—  
  
Ella: Then he's done nothing to deserve Sueage.  
  
Claudia: Than why this?  
  
Ella: Do I know?  
  
Claudia: The author must be mad!  
  
Ella:(beat; glare) you know nothing of madness  
'Til you're climbing the stairs, and you see her  
Up there, and he's nearing her,  
All the while hearing her 'Aaaa-a-aaaa-a-aaa-a-aaaaaaah'!  
  
Both: Agony!  
  
Claudia: Misery!  
  
Ella: Woe!  
  
Both: And bad grammar in each!  
  
Claudia: Nearly ten books behind—  
  
Ella: Ten IQ points below—  
  
Both: Canon's just out of reach!  
Agony, endless hours of strife!  
(Beat)  
Her heart must meet my knife.  



	3. Bad MarySue by Technetium

Keep Away from the Bad Mary Sue' by Technetium  
(Run-Around Sue' by Del Shannon)  
  
Here's my story, sad but true,  
It's about a girl known as Mary Sue.  
It's suspected Morgoth gave her birth  
To torture every guy in Middle-Earth.  
  
Strange violet eyes and silver hair,  
Guys fall in love with her skin so fair.  
Listen canon characters, I'm telling you  
To keep away from the bad Mary Sue.  
  
She battles Orcs in a fancy gown,  
Joins the Fellowship, keeps Gimli down.  
She has a tragic past, magic jewelry, too,  
That evil wench known as a Mary Sue.  
  
Ohhhh, keep away from that girl,  
She's a fangirl, true blue,   
Keep away from Sue.  
  
Someone finds the Sue and calls the PPC,  
A group that's for canon purity.  
Jay and Acy show up in disguise,  
Kill the Sue and save the guys.  
  
Here's the moral of the story from the people who know,  
If you're a Tolkien fan, then Sue's your foe.  
If you don't want the PPC after you,  
Never write a bad Mary Sue.  



	4. A Clue for the Author by TZA

A Clue for the Author' by TZA  
(Beer for my Horses' by Toby Keith)  
  
Well Jay come on to the PPC board  
Said there's a bad Sue on the loose, Boromir's an ass  
They have him jonsing for Arwen  
They made him go down on Legolas  
But they won't get away  
No, they won't get too far yeah  
They won't get too far  
  
Bast told our Thalia, back in the beginning, dear  
More writers took care to be true to the source  
Now Sues crop up every day  
Kiddos just don't care, but we'll round up all of them fangirls  
Leave constructive crit for all the people to see that  
  
Good writing is the one thing we wish that we could find  
You got to point out the errors  
You got to draw a hard line  
When the writer makes changes we'll sing a victory tune  
We'll all meet back at the PPC board  
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces  
Singing Bleepto-Dismol for the readers, a clue for the author  
  
We got too many fangirls who want to shag Legloas  
We see too much of the same crug, too much Legolust  
It's time good writers showed them how to be good  
Send 'em all to their spellchecker and that'll be a good start  
You can bet that'll be a good start 'cause  
  
Good writing is the one thing we wish that we could find  
You got to point out the errors  
You got to draw a hard line  
When the writer makes changes we'll sing a victory tune  
We'll all meet back at the PPC board  
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces  
Singing Bleepto-Dismol for the readers, a clue for the author  
  
Good writing is the one thing we wish that we could find  
You got to point out the errors  
You got to draw a hard line  
When the writer makes changes we'll sing a victory tune  
We'll all meet back at the PPC board  
We'll raise up our glasses against evil forces  
Singing Bleepto-Dismol for the readers, a clue for the author  
  



	5. Feed Her to the Balrog by He Who Hunts

Feed Her To The Balrog' by He Who Hunts  
(Walk Through Fire' by Joss Whedon)  
  
Assassin #1: I read the fic, and it kills my brain  
I look at the grammar, and it's gone  
Why can I see?  
My eyes should die and wither  
I got to find a Balrog  
Now, through the smoke, it calls to me  
To make my way across the mines  
To help it feed  
Or maybe incinerate  
I guess it's all the same  
  
So I will  
Feed her to the Balrog  
'Cause to who else can I turn?  
I will  
Feed her to the Balrog  
And let it...  
  
Assassin #2: The Canon Analyzer I bear is deafening me  
Candie's laughing, I've no doubt  
I hope she fries,  
I'm free if that Sue dies  
I better stalk her down  
'Cause she is  
Meant to feed the Balrog  
Some authors...  
  
Assassins #1 and #2: They will never learn  
And she will  
Be brought to the Balrog  
and let it...  
  
Officials: Will this be enough to kill her?  
Am I leaving the canon in danger?  
Is my assassin too insane to care?  
What if the Balrog can't stomach it?  
Beady eyes is right, Ungoliant's needed  
Or we could just sit around in pots  
  
We'll  
See it through  
It's what we're  
Never here to do  
So we will  
Find Ungoliant  
  
Mary Sue: So one by one, they stalk me down  
I guess that they can't face the fact  
Why can't they see?  
Everyone should love me,  
And not one among them knows  
That I really wanna beg  
  
Official: She came from the First Age much bigger  
  
Mary Sue: One by one, they come for me  
  
Assassin #2: First, he'll eat her, then I'll kill her  
  
Official: Everything is turning out so dark  
  
Assassin #1: Going through the charges  
  
Assassin #2: No, I'll kill her, then he'll eat her  
  
Officials:I think this line is mostly filler  
What's it going to take to stomach that Sue?  
It's the disease they have inside  
  
Mary Sue: They will come for me  
  
Assassins #1 and #2:These endless badfics  
Are finally ending in a blaze  
  
Officials and Assassins: And we have  
Fed her to the Balrog  
We hope that the poor thing isn't sick  
And we have  
Fed her to the Balrog  
And let it burn her  
Let it burn her  
Let it burn her  
And let it burn her!  
  



	6. Fighters by Miz Laurel

Fighters' by Miz Laurel  
(Fighter' by Christina Aguilera)  
  
After all you put us through   
You'd think we'd despise you   
But in the end, we want to thank you   
'cause you make us that much stronger   
  
Well we thought we knew you, thinking that you wanted to be true   
Guess we, we couldn't trust called your bluff time is up  
'cause we've had enough   
You were there on the website, always posting your fics  
But your joy ride just came down in flames   
'cause your stuff should make you ashamed, mmhmm  
After all of the twisting and warping  
You probably think that we hold resentment for you  
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong   
'cause if it wasn't for all that you tried to do,  
we wouldn't know just how much we know  
So, we want to say thank you  
'cause it  
  
Makes us that much stronger  
Makes us work a little bit harder  
It makes us that much wiser  
So thanks for making us fighters  
Makes us crit a little bit faster  
Makes our skin a little bit thicker  
Makes us that much smarter  
So thanks for making us fighters  
  
Never, saw it coming,  
All of your crap fic writing  
Just so you could cash in  
On a good thing before we'd realized your game  
we heard you're going round  
Playing, the victim now  
But don't even begin  
Feeling we're the ones to blame  
'cause you dug your own grave, uh huh  
After all of the flames and the lies  
Yes, you're wanting to blame us   
But that won't work anymore, uh no... it's over  
'cause if it wasn't for all of your torture  
We wouldn't know how to be this way now and never back down  
So, we want to say thank you  
'cause it  
  
Makes us that much stronger  
Makes us work a little bit harder  
It makes us that much wiser  
So thanks for making us fighters  
Makes us crit a little bit faster  
Makes our skin a little bit thicker  
Makes us that much smarter  
So thanks for making us fighters  
  
How could this chit we thought we knew   
Turn out to be unjust so cruel   
Could only see the good in you  
Wished this Sue wasn't the truth  
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself  
Through living in denial  
But in the end you'll see  
YOU WON'T STOP US  
we are fighters and we (fighters and we)   
We ain't going to stop  
There is no turning back  
we've had enough  
  
Makes us that much stronger  
Makes us work a little bit harder  
Makes us that much wiser  
So thanks for making us fighters  
Makes us crit a little bit faster  
Makes our skin a little bit thicker  
It makes us that much smarter  
So thanks for making us fighters  
  
Thought we would forget but we  
we remember  
Yes, we remember   
we remember  
Thought we would forget but we   
we remember  
Yes, we remember  
we remember  
  
Makes us that much stronger  
Makes us work a little bit harder  
Makes us that much wiser  
So thanks for making us fighters  
Makes us crit a little bit faster  
Makes our skin a little bit thicker  
It makes us that much smarter  
So thanks for making us fighters!  
  



	7. I Wanna Not PPC by Rhysdux

I Wanna not PPC,' by Rhysdux  
(I Wanna Talk About Me' by Toby Keith)  
  
I tell you you can't spell, and your grammar's gone to hell.  
Your punctuation is a crime—you should be in a cell.  
Your random capitalization is driving me insane.  
Can I implant some homonyms inside your useless brain?  
You mix up and confuse for some more,  
The Netspeak that your Sues all shriek makes reading this a chore.  
Canon you disregard, cause it's fiction, no holds barred!  
And I hate to say that reading this has left my poor mind scarred.  
You know I try to help those who write Sues,  
But sometimes want to choose:  
  
Wanna read a good fic,  
Wanna read a good tale,  
Wanna read something that   
Won't make me wail!  
Something good, something right,  
Something canonical for me.  
I endure your Sue-Sue-Sueing usually.  
But occasionally:  
I wanna not PPC!  
Wanna not PPC.  
  
You write of your Sue's magic and her past, forlorn and tragic--   
You tell me she's half-unicorn, or maid from realm pelagic.  
You show her having sex in a manner to perplex,  
Mating with ev'ry species to Tyrannosaurus Rex.  
Your Sue's got attitude? Me, I just think she is rude,  
I don't wanna hear Hermione or elf-maids saying Dude!'  
And gods help me if I say that this needs some work, okay?  
You'll cry and sob and scream and flame me into yesterday.  
I like helping those who want to learn,  
But sometimes I yearn:  
Just to read a good fic,  
  
Just to read a good tale,  
Just to read something that   
Won't make me wail!  
Something good, something right,  
Something canonical for me.  
I endure your Sue-Sue-Sueing usually.  
But occasionally:  
I wanna not PPC!  
Wanna not PPC.  
Wanna not PPC  



	8. The JustIn Tango by Simmí

The Just-In Tango' by Simmí  
(Cell Block Tango' by Cantor and Ebb)  
  
_Sue.  
Nymph.  
Slander.  
Bad slash.  
Mpreg.  
Grelvish.  
  
_**(The Daisy Official)  
**And now, six not-so-merry Agents of the PPC, in their rendition of the Just-In Tango.  
  
_Sue.  
Nymph.  
Slander.  
Bad slash.  
Mpreg.  
Grelvish.  
_(repeat 5x)  
  
_She had it comin',  
She had it comin',  
She only had herself to blame.  
If you'da been there,  
If you'da read it,  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Sue!  
Nymph!  
Slander!  
Bad slash!  
Mpreg!  
Grelvish!  
_(repeat 2x)  
  
**(Agent Jay)  
**You know how some people write stories about perfect girls that tend to bite? Like those Suvians. They just keep on writing their canon-destroying Mary-Sues. So I find this story one day that gets me really irritated, and I show it to a friend, and she agrees with me. So we said to the author, we said, You write one more chapter of this Boromir-slander _*sigh*_ And she did. So, we put our heads together, and we came up with this great idea: curare-tipped arrow, straight to the shoulder.  
  
_She had it comin',  
She had it comin',  
She only had herself to blame.  
If you'da been there,  
If you'da seen it,  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
_**(Agent Mel)  
**I fell in love with Tolkien's world a while back, and wanted to make up for being a Mary-Sue. So I joined the PPC, and I met Joe—and we didn't hit it off at all. But we got assigned to the DMFF, and we'd go out and find out what didn't belong. And find them we did: Sylphs, fairies, pixies, griffins, unicorns So this one story, when we found the Sue, we killed her, as usual. For the misplaced creature, my Sue powers came in handy. It's a sad day for Suvians, but a good day for the PPC, when a misplaced creature can't tell the difference between a Sue and an assassin.  
  
_She had it comin',  
She had it comin',  
She took the canon in its prime,  
And then she used it,  
And she abused it!  
Twas neither murder nor a crime!  
  
_**(Dour K)  
**So I'm reading a few good stories, surfing around ff.netminding my own businessand then suddenly this fic jumps out at me: Legolas has an abusive father, it said. That made me livid. All I could see was the slander of Thranduil. Legolas has an abusive father! and then the author ran into a flame. She ran into tens of dozens of outraged flames, not to mention a few Agents.  
  
_If you'da been there,  
If you'da seen it,  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
_**(Agent Luxury)  
**Sure, maybe not everyone likes slash, but there is some good stuff out there. The rest iswell, that's why my department exists. And hey, those exorcisms aren't that awful to perform. Less blood, that's for sure. But it can be disturbing, especially when we're dealing with Marty-Sams. Because then the Department of Mary-Sues gets called in to, since a Marty-Sam usually goes hand-in-hand-with a Mary-Sue. And the Mary-Sue people never go easy when they get dragged in  
  
_She had it comin',  
She had it comin',  
She only had herself to blame.  
If you'da been there,  
If you'da seen her,  
I betcha you would have done the same  
  
_**(Agent Taboo)  
**My partner, Agent Bobbert, and I worked in a subdivision of Bad Slash: mpreg; and the medical officers traveled around with us. Now, the other day, we're sitting around, the two of us, being cold, ignoring each other, when we get a call, so we go out to take care of it. We go in, check out what's up, and find Legolas pregnant.  
...with Aragorn's child. Well, you can imagine what a grisly procedure a C-section is when the pregnant one doesn't even have a uterus. It wasn't until later, when we were washing the blood off of our hands and Legolas had been taken in for counseling, that we realized what we had done to the Suvian who had arranged it.  
  
_They had it comin',  
They had it comin',  
They had it comin' all along.  
Of course we did it  
And are proud of it!  
How could you tell us that we were wrong?  
_(repeat 2X)  
  
**(Agent Lambda)  
**I love Tolkien's languages more than I could possibly say. They're so beautifullike poetry. But the Grey Company was always trying to pass their perversions off as real. They'd offer easy phrases, and the Sues would snap them up and call them Elvish. And I found just one Grelvish fic too many. So the Sues saw their fics as goodand I helped them see differently.  
  
_The dirty bum  
Bum, bum, bum, bum!  
The dirty bum  
Bum, bum, bum, bum!  
  
They had it comin',  
They had it comin',  
They had it comin' all along.  
Cause they ignored it,  
And we abhor that.  
How can you tell us that we are wrong?  
  
She had it comin',  
She had it comin',  
She only had herself to blame.  
If you'da been there,  
If you'da read it,  
I betcha you would have done the same!  
  
Sue  
Nymph  
Slander  
Bad slash  
Mpreg  
Grelvish  
  
  
_


	9. Oops! I Did it Again! by Miz Laurel

Oops! I Did it Again' by Miz Laurel  
(Oops! I Did it Again' by Britney Spears)  
  
I think I did it again  
I wrote a shit fic  
Oh critic, critic  
It might seem like I'm dumb  
But it doesn't mean that I should repeat third grade again  
'Cause to write crappy fanfic  
That is just so typically me  
Oh critic, critic  
  
Oops!.. I did it again  
I wrote a shit fic  
So I could shag Legolas  
Oh critic, critic  
Oops!.. you think that I care  
If I screw with what Tolkien wrote  
I can't be bothered with accuracy  
  
You see my problem is this  
I'm dreaming away  
Wishing that Leggy, did truly exist  
I cry, watching the days  
I know you see I'm a fool in so many ways  
But to lose all my senses  
That is just so typically me  
Critic, oh  
  
Oops!.. I did it again  
I wrote a shit fic  
So I could shag Legolas  
Oh critic, critic  
Oops!.. you think that I care  
If I screw with what Tolkien wrote  
I can't be bothered with accuracy  
  
"All aboard"  
"Mary Sue, before you go, there's something I want you to have"  
"Oh, it's beautiful, but wait a minute, isn't this...?"  
"Yeah, yes it is"  
"But I thought the hobbit dropped it into Mount Doom in the end"  
"Well Mary Sue, I went down and got it for you"  
"Oh, you shouldn't have, Leggy"  
  
Oops!.. I did it again to your mind  
Got lost in this game, oh critic  
Oops!.. you think that I care  
I can't be bothered with accuracy  
  
  



	10. We Will Survive The Trolls by Bjam

We Will Survive (the Trolls)' by Bjam  
(I Will Survive' by Gloria Gaynor)  
  
First we were afraid  
We were petrified  
Kept thinking we could never live  
Without our computers  
But we spent so many nights  
Thinking how they lied to us  
And we grew strong  
We learned how to carry on  
And so they're back  
From ff.net  
We just walked in to find them here  
With that stupid spamming on the board  
We should have killed them all before  
Burned for evidence  
If we had known for just one second  
They'd be back to bother us  
Go on now go close this window  
Just turn around now  
'Cause you haven't ever been welcome.  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt us with the flames?  
You think we'd crumble  
You think we'd give in and die  
Oh no, not us  
  
We will survive  
Oh, as long as we know how to CC  
We know we'll stay alive  
We've got all our real lives to live  
And we've got all our tips to give  
And we'll survive  
We will survive  
  
It took all the strength we had  
Not to mock and tease  
Kept trying hard to mend  
The pieces of our fragile minds  
And we spent so many nights  
Just feeling sorry for Suvians  
We used to cry for them  
Now we hold our heads up high  
And you see us  
Somebody new  
We're not those chained up little flamers  
Still in love with Sues  
And so you felt like dropping in  
And just spam to your hearts content  
Now we're saving all our CC  
For someone who we respect  
Go on now go close this window  
Just turn around now  
'Cause you haven't ever been welcome.  
Weren't you the one who tried to hurt us with the flames?  
You think we'd crumble  
You think we'd give in and die  
Oh no, not us  
  
We will survive  
Oh, as long as we know how to CC  
We know we'll stay alive  
We've got all our real lives to live  
And we've got all our tips to give  
And we'll survive  
We will survive  
  



	11. You Don't Own Me by Miz Laurel

You Don't Own Me' by Miz Laurel  
(You Don't Own Me' by Leslie Gore)  
  
You don't own me  
I'm not just one of your many toys  
You don't own me  
Don't demand that I screw other boys  
Don't tell me what to do  
Don't tell me what to say  
An' please, don't make me go out with you  
Don't make me OOC  
You don't own me  
Don't try to change me in anyway  
You don't own me  
You don't want to meet with PPC's Jay  
Why tell me what to say?  
Why tell me what to do?  
So just let me be myself  
That's all I ask of you  
I'm old and I'm supposed to be old!  
No Sues, and I like it that way!  
I want to live my life the way Tolkien wrote  
To say and do in the Canon way  
  



End file.
